Dreams. There's the 'American Dream' which is the topic of many great novels and plays such as The Great Gatsby and Death of a Salesman. Then there are dreams, meaning aspirations or desires for the future (which I guess could be coupled with the idea of the American Dream). Lastly, there are literal dreams; ones that you have while asleep. While I could spend an entire blog analyzing the American Dream, and the implications its had on our society throughout history; I'm not feeling that today.
They say that dreaming is the mind's way of working things out. So let's evaluate what my mind is trying to work out, shall we?
Last night I had a dream that sort of went like this:
Jimena and I were at work talking---when all of a sudden he who must not be named accompanied with two of his friends showed up. They were leisurely walking around the third floor talking---his two friends ahead of him while he followed. Hat backwards, like always. I sat there in awe as he walked up to Jimena, handed her a cup of Starbucks coffee, and said "She's your problem now." I just looked at him as he walked away---and continued to circle the floor--following his friends.
All of a sudden, we are out of the office, and he who must not be named and I are riding in a horse carriage. He's talking to me, and I am screaming at him---screaming because he doesn't care about what he's done to me. He proceeds to tell me that he has slept with 16 people since he broke up with me. He begins to describe what his first act was like---and I remember a sick feeling coming over me in my dream. I became so distraught that I jumped out of the carriage, and started running. Running full speed, but as I was running, he was just walking normally right beside me. I was yelling at him, telling him I couldn't believe that he was acting that way. I asked him how he could feel nothing. He responds "Oh, I feel something." He just continues walking, and I just keep running.
Then I woke up....I mean there was more to it, like him asking about seeing Monroe....often. In the end, all I know, is that when I woke up---I felt like shit. There's a lot going on right now that I feel like I am in control of. Then there's the emotion behind what I am actually feeling. What am I feeling? Right now, I feel inadequate. I think I am going to cancel my match.com account. Nothing is happening with it, and when I do 'wink' at someone---I can see that they have looked at my profile and move on. Life is all about rejection and acceptance right? I honestly think I am trying so hard, looking for something that I am not ready for. So today, as I close this without much analysis and wisdom---I want you all to know that I truly am in a strange place. I wish I could explain it eloquently, but I think I'm just plain sad.....and that's all I can say for now.
Have a great Saturday night...